I have an eating disorder – binge eating… It may not be one most recognised but I’ve lived with it for over a decade. Starting this blog I promised to be 100% honest, it’s been harder/scarier than you think but here goes.
Definition of an Eating Disorder
Any of a range of psychological disorders characterized by abnormal or disturbed eating habits.
I’ve been trying to lose weight, okay I’ve wanted to lose weight for years but I’ve never stuck with it. I have good intentions like most. I’ve bought the healthy food, stopped stocking my kitchen with the unhealthy. But, I’ve never lasted longer than 9 days. Yep! Silly really… I do struggle with a colourful array of mental health issues including binge eating disorder but I still have not given it my all. I could do so well if I just quit with the excuses and dedicated myself to losing weight. My excuses, at the time, make sense.
“I’m too tired to cook a full blown meal, let’s just get take away this once.” (Yeah right, that’s how it starts)
“I’ve been so busy with work, blogging, kids, cleaning etc I have no choice but to get take away” (This is yet another great one)
“I feel sad, miserable, bored, angry, stressed, overwhelmed etc, junk food is the only thing that will help me.” (Wow, just wow)
“I just want it one last time, then I can start being good with food from then on”) Huh? How do I convince myself this makes any sense whatsoever.
Looking at all my excuses now it’s extremely clear to me that my mind works against me when I’m in these situations.
If you really want to do something you’ll find a way. If you don’t you’ll find an excuse.
I love this quote, it feels like it was just written for me.
I worked out once that I’d been spending about £2k a year on junk food. Come on. That’s crazy! If I’m being honest I think that amount has gone up even more over the past 2 years. I want to be able to put that money on my kids, my business and myself. My family could have so many better experiences that just sitting in front of the tv eating unhealthy food and zoning out. We all deserve better.
I have made sure that my kid’s diet is so much better than mine. If we have junk I make sure to give them a normal kids portion, but when I have junk I’m eating as much as I can put in. I’ll then have a break then start again till I’m fully satisfied or feel like I’m going to throw up. I’m sick of showing this behaviour to my kids, I hate having to explain to them that mommy is struggling with this. I want to show them that it may be hard but mommy can beat this eating disorder. If you look at my kids you can tell that I make them eat right but then by looking at me, now nearly close to 19 stone, you can see what my eating habits are and I’m sick of it.
So today I have my Slimming World Food Diary and I have my Habit Tracker and I’m going to 100% commit. I’ve tried and failed so many times in the past. I know I didn’t really want to do it and I was just waiting for a certain situation (which I probably created) to arise so I could grab one of my excuses and act like it wasn’t my fault like I had no choice. I also suffer from perfectionism so if I mess up once I then lose myself for a little while. But, I need to except that no one can be perfect and I will slip up but it’s about getting straight back on with it. No one can be perfect and that’s okay.
My five-year-old Bella loves to dance. She regularly comes into a room and puts on a little show for us. If she falls down during one of her ballerina jumps etc I always tell her as she’s about to cry and give up.
“You may fall down, that’s okay, but what’s important is that you get back up”
She looks up at me and smiles and carry’s on. I can see her shine and know that is doesn’t matter if you fall, that’s it’s okay, just try your best to get back up again. I think it’s time I listen to my own bloody advice.
Sorry about the long ranting but I need to hold myself accountable for all of my own actions. If I want to lose weight then I’ll stick to my Slimming World plan the best I can. I’m writing this for myself as much for my readers. If I put my truth out in the world I instantly hold myself accountable but I can also show others that an eating disorder doesn’t just have to be anorexia or bulimia. Binge eating is an eating disorder too and I struggle with it every day. It’s become my norm for coping with my emotions.
I feel so much shame about this but it’s also how people treat me like I’m just fat and lazy. But, this eating disorder goes much deeper than that. It’s been going on for so long that’s it now a learned behaviour for how I cope with my emotions. Now it’s about getting out of that habit and choosing better/healthier habits. It’s about becoming a healthy/happier me.
I read something recently about eating disorders.
“I am not my eating disorder”
I love this because for over a decade I have felt embarrassed and shameful for having difficulties around food. This statement helps me understand that I do have an ‘eating disorder’ but it’s not who I am. I am struggling with an eating disorder but I am not my eating disorder. It’s almost shocking to me that I had a bit of an epiphany about this.
I’ve talked to people about this before and one of my closest friends laughed at me. She said binge eating wasn’t an eating disorder. She said I was just being a fat pig and needed to stop over-eating. Wow! I love her to bits but that hurt. That’s like telling someone with anorexia that they don’t have an eating disorder, they are just lazy and need to eat. Total Crap!
Any form of eating disorder is so much more than it looks on the surface. I know it’s not the right way of thinking but when hen I’m struggling with it I find it almost impossible to ignore. It’s like a compulsion. I carry so much shame and guilt around with me for this. I know I don’t want it to be this way but at that moment I honestly don’t care.
I do struggle with an array of mental health issues. I mainly struggle with Binge eatings discover but underneath that, it’s my way of coping with PTSD – Avoidance Behaviour. I’m in the process of getting therapy, which takes a long time on the NHS, sadly. But, I have to take a stand to want to help myself become better too and not just wait around and expect that therapy will fix everything. This is my pledge to myself, my kids, my partner and to my readers who can connect with this, that this is my time, my time to fully open myself up to change, change that I will do my utmost to push forward.